


Euphemisms

by RaeDMagdon



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/F, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-20
Updated: 2012-03-20
Packaged: 2017-11-02 06:35:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/366017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaeDMagdon/pseuds/RaeDMagdon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was a prompt on the ME Kink meme... over 7 separate people requested it. So I wrote it. Again, this is my version of crackfic. "I'd like to see Aethyta advising FemShep and Liara on ways to spice up their sex life in the most hilariously crude and dirty manner possible. FemShep and Liara feel increasingly awkward and uncomfortable as she continues on."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Euphemisms

"Shepard, I have a question about human euphemisms," Liara offered as they sat at the bar, each with a shot in front of them. "I heard Lieutenant Commander Williams use one that I was unfamiliar with." During her time on the Normandy, Liara's English vocabulary had improved dramatically even without the use of her subdermal implant. She was practically fluent in the language, since many of the human crew members conversed in it constantly. However, learning a new language brought with it a host of challenges - regional dialects, common idioms, and euphemisms, along with several profane hand gestures.

A little nervous about what she was getting herself in to, Shepard decided some liquid courage was in order. Knowing Ashley's vocabulary, any explanation would probably be embarrassing. She downed her shot of brandy, screwing her eyes shut tight and drinking the whole thing in one gulp. It burned down her throat, and she coughed once before answering. "All right. Hit me."

"Ashley was talking with Garrus... She said that Vega was practically useless during his downtime because he spent too much time 'cleaning his rifle'." Liara accompanied the retelling with the universal human symbol for jerking off. Shepard's eyes nearly popped out of her head at the rude hand gesture coming from her lover. She held back her laughter, hoping that she wouldn't snort up any of her drink. 

Unfortunately, that was when the third member of their drinking party arrived for the evening. "Nice to see my daughter isn't such a prude after all," Matriarch Aethyta said as Liara abruptly stopped her hand motion. This time, Shepard really did choke, although it was on air. The older asari took the open seat in between Liara and Shepard, since they had decided that sitting apart was the best way to save her a spot. Matriarch Aethyta was far more comfortable in bars than at fancy restaurants and formal events, so Liara had made an effort to spend time with her father in places where she felt at ease.

Unlike Ashely's euphemism, 'prude' was a word that Liara was familiar with, particularly in reference to herself, and she heaved a sigh. "Father, I know you enjoy teasing me for my perceived lack of sexual experience, although I still don't understand why you and the others find it so funny. However, you will be disappointed to hear that I was just asking Shepard what that particular gesture meant. Now that you've commented on it, I assume it refers to something sexual."

"You wanna take this one, Aethyta?" Shepard asked, hoping the Matriarch's arrival meant that she was off the hook.

Aethyta grinned, delighting in Shepard's discomfort and Liara's annoyance. "Nope. You go ahead."

"Well, you know how humans sometimes, uh... relieve themselves..." Shepard repeated the hand gesture hopefully before realizing that Liara still didn't know what it meant. "I mean, that's the motion human males make when they're, um... Well, I guess krogan, turian, and quarian males do it that way, too... since they've got a..."

The light went on in Liara's head. "Oh!" Then a much softer, "oh..." She turned to her father with a frown. "Well, how was I supposed to know? My only sexual partner is a female human, and asari don't have that body part." 

Matriarch Aethyta did not seem impressed with her daughter's excuse. "You're one hundred and nine! When I was your age, I was stripping for a living and making twice as many credits in tips as I do now from my steady paycheck from the asari government."

"I thought you wanted maidens to take up more useful professions instead of becoming mercs and exotic dancers?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean they have to be celibate!" Liara's father seemed horrified at the idea. 

"I'm not celibate," Liara snapped, obviously tired of having this conversation. Remembering that she had a drink in front of her, she took her shot. The Matriarch was still so amazed by her daughter's perceived lack of knowledge that she hadn't even remembered to order one. Normally, Aethyta always had some kind of alcoholic beverage in her hand when she wasn't working.

"Well, you didn't even know what jerking off was..." the Matriarch said. Liara started to protest that she had known what it was - in theory, anyway - but her father had already turned worriedly to Shepard. "She does know what oral sex is, right? Please tell me she knows what oral sex is... Nezzie had to have taught her that, at least."

Shepard glanced sideways, motioning to the bartender for another shot. She had a feeling she was going to need it. As an afterthought, she held up two fingers. Matriarch Aethyta would probably want one as well. While she waited, she tried to think of a polite way to say, 'that's none of your business'. The human didn't think that, 'yeah, and she's actually really, really good at it' was an appropriate response, even though Aethyta wasn't a typical parent and would probably be pleased by that answer.

"Benezia made sure I learned the basics of asari reproduction," Liara mumbled, somewhat defensively. "That wasn't in the curriculum, but I am perfectly capable of doing my own research as well."

Matriarch Aethyta sighed, completely ignoring Liara's protests. "I told her to send you to public school, but did she listen? No... Nezzie never listened to me. I knew you'd end up sheltered if she had her way."

"Hey, Liara turned out pretty damn good," Shepard said, jumping to her lover's defense. "She's the biggest Intel broker in the galaxy right now, and she helped me save the universe from the Reapers... How many asari can say that?" 

Liara touched Shepard's hand, squeezing it briefly to show that she appreciated the support. Matriarch Aethyta still didn't seem appeased. 

"Yeah, yeah, real impressive. I already knew any daughter of Benezia's would be special. But your mother wasn't just a powerful biotic and a good politician. She knew her way around the bedroom, too." She gave Liara a look that clearly said anything less than a stellar sexual performance would be doing her mother's memory a disservice.

Liara's mouth opened, then closed again. "Father, I really don't need to know everything about your relationship with my mother..." she said as the bartender placed two shots on the bar in front of them, one in front of Shepard and one in front of Aethyta. Before Shepard could down hers, Liara drank it, figuring she needed the alcohol more if she was going to deal with this line of conversation. Shepard sighed disappointedly. 

"She even taught me a few things," Aethyta continued, undeterred by the discomfort of her two drinking companions. The Matriarch turned to Shepard. "Does she like to role play?" she asked, pointing over her shoulder at her unfortunate daughter. "Maybe it runs in the family."

Shepard's eyes went very wide. She had absolutely no idea how to respond to that.

"What Shepard and I do in the bedroom is none of your business," Liara said as she slammed the shot glass back down on the bar. The sound was loud enough to make Shepard jump. The Commander had faced down Geth, Reapers, Cerberus, and many other dangerous opponents, but never had she wished so much for the ability to just disappear. This was possibly the most mortifying conversation she had ever been involved in.

"Well, Benezia was in to it... and hell, even my Mom used to put on her commando leathers for "special nights" with Dad. You do know that you can use your biotics too, right?" Aethyta said, almost panicking. She genuinely seemed concerned that Liara might not have a clue what to do in sexual situations. It would have been funny, Shepard thought, if it weren't so incredibly embarrassing. "Your mom was good at that, actually. She had some pretty inventive uses for Mass Effect fields. I could -"

"No!" Liara blurted out. "I mean... no, thank you."

Shepard decided that Aethyta probably wasn't going to let up unless one of them used some more offensive tactics. "Look, we appreciate your, uh - concern, but..." The Commander tried to think of a less-embarrassing way to say that Liara was already amazing in bed. The best lover Shepard had ever been with by far. Unfortunately, there were no family friendly ways to express what she wanted to express. She sighed. "Let's just say that if Benezia was anything like Liara, I have no clue why you broke up."

The human flinched when she felt Liara's glare boring into her. Okay, so maybe bringing Benezia back in to it was a bad move, but she didn't exactly have a lot of choices. She tried to give her lover an apologetic look, but it was too late. "Shepard!"

"I was just..." Shepard's voice trailed off as she realized it was hopeless. She definitely wouldn't be getting any later that night, and she would be lucky if Liara even let her share the bed. "Never mind."

"Come on, Liara," Matriarch Aethyta said, "being embarrassed about sex is so... human. You're an asari, you should damn well know better." She looked past Liara at Shepard again. "How does she even manage to tell you what she likes? Never thought a kid of mine would be so fucking high strung..."

Liara opened her mouth to say something, but no words came out. A purple color was suffusing her blue cheeks in the asari equivalent of a blush. She almost responded that melding was good for that, since she could send suggestive images instead of actually forming the words, but decided that her father didn't need any encouragement.

"A little dirty talk never hurt anyone. I told you before, if it's all civilized... you're doing it wrong. Your Mom agreed," she added with a wink.

Shepard was unable to hide her snort of laughter. Although Aethyta's comment was meant to be literal, it sounded identical to a human 'your mom' joke. That kind of humor had apparently been around for hundreds of years, but it was still funny. 

"Every species has their own kinks. Haven't had a lot of experience with humans, but they all seem to have a thing for asari strippers and dancers. There's a reason Aria is rolling in fucking credits." The Matriarch sighed. "It's a good thing you're with a human female. Not too different from us, anatomy-wise. If you were with an Elcor or a Hanar, you wouldn't know where the hell to start. Well, the tentacles are... interesting, anyway."

Liara looked horrified. "Father!"

"I'm just saying -"

"I'm not with a Hanar, I have no desire to be with a Hanar, and I really, really don't want to hear about you being with one, either!" She paused to catch her breath, taking her father's drink and downing that one, too. Instead of being peeved at Liara's outburst and the loss of her drink, Matriarch Aethyta seemed amused and almost proud. 

"Well, there are always toys. The salarians design some really good ones - which is pretty strange, since they don't actually fuck. They just fertilize eggs..."

Shepard looked slightly panicked. The last thing she needed was Aethyta making up for missed birthday presents by sending Liara some kind of weird salarian sex toy. "We've got it covered," she said. The last present Liara had gotten from her father was Asari Commandos, so it wasn't completely outside the realm of possibility.

Aethyta didn't seem convinced. "Human females like the ones that vibrate, right on the tip of their -"

"I already know that, father," Liara said hurriedly. Obviously, her thoughts were running along the same lines as Shepard's, because she added, "and we already have... well... there is absolutely no need for you to get us anything." Before this conversation, Liara couldn't have imagined herself ever discussing sex and her own related extranet purchases with her father, but she was starting to realize with a slowly growing horror that Aethyta wasn't going to give up until she was satisfied that her daughter was not, as she feared, completely oblivious to the joys of asari reproduction.

It was probably a good thing all of them (except Matriarch Aethyta) were drunk.

"Your sister isn't nearly so uptight about sex, and she's part hanar. You had two asari for parents, you should know better."

Liara, who had never even met her sister, cradled her forehead in her hand. If her unknown sibling was anything like Aethyta, without Benezia's calming influence, she was probably in for a shock. "You're talking about hanar again," she groaned. "Probably on purpose, to make me uncomfortable." In her opinion, they were the least sexually appealing species in the galaxy, except perhaps for Vorcha, and they seemed to keep creeping into the conversation. "Please stop."

"You know, Shin Akiba sells hanar-asari games..."

"No!" Shepard said, holding up her hands and trying to hide behind them. "No games. No toys. No more conversation."

Aethyta only seemed amused by the human's reaction instead of put off. "Not even Vaenia? That one's got asari and humans."

"We know," Liara said hurriedly before realizing that she had just admitted to owning porn ( _'no, an adult romance film,'_ she tried to convince herself, _'and it was only for study!'_ ) in addition to all the other embarrassing revelations of the evening. "So don't buy that, either. In fact, don't buy anything..."

"Not even this?" The asari matriarch pulled a small stick out of her pocket, twirling it expertly between her fingers. 

It was a small electromagnetic key, like the kind to an apartment or private shuttle. If it went to shuttle - _'but why would father get me a shuttle?'_ \- Shepard was definitely not driving. Between the Mako, the Hammerhead, and even a spin in the Kodiak, Liara had experienced enough of her lover's motor vehicle "skills" to last a lifetime

"What does that go to?" Liara asked, catching it when Aethyta tossed it towards her at chest level. 

"A room on the top floor of the hotel next door..." She grinned. "Those creds I made stripping back in my maiden days? Well, with a little blackmail and a little investing, you can turn a decent amount of credits into a lot of credits. Know what else your Ma knew besides how to have amazing sex, kid? How to play the inter-galactic stock market."

Shepard's eyes widened. Matriarch Aethyta clasped her jovially on the shoulder. "Don't let my daughter come out of that room until she's done everything we talked about. Except the hanar part. Since, you know, you're not hanar."

When neither of the two young lovers seemed willing or able to speak, Aethyta nudged Shepard's barstool with her foot and took their empty glasses away. "Go!"

She didn't need to tell them twice. Of course, despite the promise of a nice hotel room, most of their rush was simply a desire to escape the incredibly awkward and explicit conversation. 

"You're lucky my father was feeling generous," Liara said, twirling the key in her own fingers much like Aethyta had moments before. Shepard watched the identical motion with amusement. "I was going to cut you off for the night after that comment about my mother, but it would be a shame to waste the room." The maiden paused. "Your punishment will have to be of a... different variety."

Shepard gulped as they exited the bar, not even touching because they were moving so fast, their brisk walk almost becoming a jog. She had a feeling she was in for it. Unlike Matriarch Aethyta and everyone else who simply assumed that Liara's proper behavior carried over in to the bedroom, Shepard knew the truth. Her lover could be... wickedly inventive. 

She would remember to thank Aethyta later. If she survived.

**The End**


End file.
